The “Bitch Splitter”
This is a chat log from sometime in March 2010.
(12:33:36 pm) THEGUY: q: how much does a polar bear weigh?
(12:34:41 pm) ME: enough to break the ice ;)
(12:35:18 pm) ME: I see you play the git-fiddle
(12:35:58 pm) THEGUY: HAHAHAHA
(12:36:03 pm) THEGUY: yah
(12:36:05 pm) ME: I play a little too.
(12:36:09 pm) THEGUY: NICE
(12:36:12 pm) ME: :)
(12:36:14 pm) THEGUY: my names lou btw im a songwriter for disney
(12:36:15 pm) THEGUY: no shit?
(12:36:17 pm) ME: reading your profile now…
(12:36:25 pm) ME: yep. and a whole lot of other stuff ;)
(12:36:33 pm) ME: My name’s *******
(12:36:40 pm) THEGUY: check out my stuff here
(12:36:44 pm) THEGUY: myspace link
(12:36:46 pm) THEGUY: lemme know what you think
(12:36:52 pm) ME: ok
(12:39:11 pm) ME: No question. you’re the real deal
(12:39:21 pm) ME: I know how much you must have put into that…
(12:39:29 pm) ME: and how amazing you have to be to get that far, so Kudos.
(12:40:45 pm) THEGUY: thanks
(12:40:51 pm) THEGUY: do you think im cute?
(12:41:11 pm) ME: Do you think I am?
(12:41:23 pm) THEGUY: fuck yah!
(12:41:32 pm) ME: Thanks :)
(12:41:41 pm) ME: Yes, you’re very good looking.
(12:41:57 pm) THEGUY: lemme tell you a bit about myself
(12:42:19 pm) THEGUY: im rich, educated, cute, white, and well-endowed…interested? ;)
(12:43:39 pm) ME: Well, you seem pretty full of yourself. Otherwise, what’s not to like?
(12:44:01 pm) THEGUY: haha
(12:44:06 pm) THEGUY: i just like being forward and honest
(12:44:08 pm) THEGUY: i can prove my claims
(12:44:10 pm) THEGUY: check it out
(12:44:18 pm) THEGUY: smart: link (Link doesn’t work now, but it was a pic of him holding a masters degree with his name on it.)
(12:44:24 pm) THEGUY: rich: link (Link doesn’t work now, but it was a picture of him—in a bini, with heavy glossy chap stick on—holding a fan of $100.00 bills.)
(12:44:31 pm) THEGUY: the other thing: link (a picture of him wearing a gaudy star of David pin, laying down, holding his hard on.)
(12:46:25 pm) ME: Honey, while I applaud your success, you’re not my type. I’m sure there are millions of girls who would jump at the chance to get wit’chu though.
(12:46:35 pm) ME: Good luck
(12:46:36 pm) THEGUY: wait
(12:46:39 pm) THEGUY: why not your type?
(12:48:19 pm) THEGUY: listen
(12:48:24 pm) THEGUY: i have a confession to make
(12:48:35 pm) THEGUY: i dont care about that stuff either
(12:48:38 pm) THEGUY: i only say that stuff to impress girls
(12:49:02 pm) ME: My advice: if you’re truly smart, all of the other stuff speaks for itself.
(12:49:13 pm) THEGUY: well I am
(12:49:14 pm) ME: to say it comes off as peaCOCKing. lol
(12:49:23 pm) THEGUY: haha how do you know that term??
(12:49:42 pm) ME: but I guess I understand a world in which pointing those things out would impress girls.
(12:49:52 pm) THEGUY: yes in my perfect world…
(12:49:56 pm) THEGUY: none of that stuff would matter
(12:50:02 pm) THEGUY: but unfortunately i’m not able to choose the world I live in
(12:50:46 pm) ME: Oh, and not to be mean, but I would call your cock average. To call yourself well-endowed is setting expectations too high. I like an average cock just fine though. Now, on to other things.
(12:51:01 pm) THEGUY: haha yah right
(12:51:21 pm) THEGUY: my cock is huge
(12:51:25 pm) ME: Nor can I choose the world in which I live. Though I’m glad you’re in it. Adding music and art to it.
(12:52:31 pm) THEGUY: babe the average cock size is 5” my dick is 9” how the fuck is that average?
(12:52:53 pm) ME: it doesn’t look 9” is all I’m saying. If in fact it’s actually 9”, than yes, it’s big.
(12:53:00 pm) ME: I’m so happy for you :)
(12:53:17 pm) THEGUY: ok how many inches does it look?
(12:53:55 pm) ME: 6. Maybe 6.5. Again, not a thing of importance, unless a person is less than 5”. Then it’s just sad.
(12:54:19 pm) THEGUY: are you insane
(12:54:24 pm) THEGUY: unless you fuck black guys
(12:54:32 pm) THEGUY: my dick is about as big as it gets
(12:54:51 pm) THEGUY: my dick is long thick and huge
(12:54:57 pm) ME: ok. You should know.
(12:55:02 pm) THEGUY: why the fuck are you bullshitting me
(12:55:04 pm) ME: I see that you’re Jewish.
(12:55:08 pm) THEGUY: yah i am
(12:55:15 pm) ME: How do you feel about the whole shiksa thing?
(12:55:19 pm) THEGUY: i like it :)
(12:55:29 pm) THEGUY: admit i have a big cock though
(12:55:30 pm) ME: what about marriage?
(12:55:35 pm) THEGUY: ummh
(12:55:38 pm) THEGUY: well
(12:55:43 pm) THEGUY: she’d have to be really special, or convert
(12:56:00 pm) THEGUY: you’ve agitated me though
(12:56:03 pm) THEGUY: admit i have a big cock
(12:56:33 pm) THEGUY: admit you said that just to try and throw a wrench in my spokes
(12:57:14 pm) ME: Nope. Nothing like that.
(12:57:23 pm) THEGUY: if you actually think my cock isnt huge
(12:57:28 pm) THEGUY: then you must have a giant vagina
(12:57:53 pm) THEGUY: a lot of girls cant even take my cock
(12:59:13 pm) THEGUY: they call my cock “the bitch splitter”
(12:59:22 pm) ME: I’m over it.
(12:59:34 pm) THEGUY: you’ll be all over it soon ;)
(12:59:45 pm) ME: I doubt that very much.
(12:59:49 pm) THEGUY: let me come pound you :)
(12:59:58 pm) ME: uh huh (bored)
(1:00:00 pm) THEGUY: ive got a place in ********
(1:00:04 pm) ME: so I see…
(1:00:20 pm) THEGUY: is my cock kissable?
(1:00:32 pm) ME: Like I said, I’m over it.
(1:00:37 pm) THEGUY: haha
(1:00:40 pm) THEGUY: is it suckable?
(1:01:30 pm) ME: Probably.
(1:01:34 pm) THEGUY: you know *****?
(1:01:36 pm) ME: But not by me.
(1:01:43 pm) ME: Yes, I life right off *****.
(1:01:51 pm) THEGUY: you know gene *****?
(1:02:20 pm) THEGUY: oh yah portland
(1:02:24 pm) THEGUY: chicago’s better ;)
(1:02:37 pm) THEGUY: oops wrong IM
(1:02:45 pm) ME: …naturally.
(1:02:48 pm) THEGUY: do you know the ***** condos?
(1:02:49 pm) ME: good luck.
(1:03:04 pm) THEGUY: wait
(1:03:07 pm) ME: You lost me. Like I said, too full of yourself.
(1:03:07 pm) THEGUY: i dont get understand
(1:03:12 pm) THEGUY: why dont you like me?
(1:03:23 pm) THEGUY: im too full of myself?
(1:03:30 pm) ME: Sadly.
(1:03:36 pm) ME: Otherwise, yes, you’d be lovely. Plus…
(1:03:42 pm) ME: I dated a Jewish guy once…
(1:03:46 pm) THEGUY: ?
(1:03:54 pm) THEGUY: and?
(1:03:55 pm) ME: who eventually broke up with me because he told me there was no point in continuing…
(1:03:59 pm) ME: since he’d only marry a Jew.
(1:04:02 pm) ME: waste of time.
(1:04:07 pm) THEGUY: well babe im not like that
(1:04:11 pm) ME: nice and intelligent as you all are.
(1:04:25 pm) THEGUY: im not like that
(1:04:32 pm) THEGUY: i would marry a shiksa if we were in love
(1:04:47 pm) ME: BS.
(1:04:52 pm) ME: Your mother would kill you.
(1:04:59 pm) ME: her grandbabies wouldn’t be Jewish
(1:05:07 pm) ME: I’m no fool
(1:05:16 pm) THEGUY: would you consider converting?
(1:05:52 pm) ME: As a matter of fact I would. Funny thing is, I already know waaaay more about Judaism than you probably do.
(1:05:55 pm) ME: Anyhoo…
(1:06:07 pm) THEGUY: and listen about you thinking im full of myself and all that, you’re wrong, you have no idea what ive been through in my life, and i really dont care about any of that stuff
(1:06:34 pm) THEGUY: im a very internal person so to speak
(1:06:41 pm) THEGUY: and im very free of materialism
(1:06:48 pm) ME: Ok.
(1:06:57 pm) ME: Well, if that’s true, maybe get back to that…
(1:07:04 pm) ME: and get away from the whole Hollywood thing…
(1:07:08 pm) THEGUY: i do have things that many people may find materialistically appealing
(1:07:15 pm) THEGUY: so i sometimes use that to my advantage
(1:07:16 pm) ME: of having to appeal to girls who only want you for your cock and your money
(1:07:23 pm) THEGUY: but its not like i actually care about that stuff
(1:07:26 pm) THEGUY: i like sex
(1:07:30 pm) ME: who doesn’t?
(1:07:37 pm) THEGUY: and so sometimes as a guy
(1:07:52 pm) THEGUY: you have to use your tools to get what you want
(1:07:59 pm) THEGUY: its not a reflection of the person i am though
(1:08:20 pm) THEGUY: but when it comes to sex im very primal
(1:08:21 pm) ME: Well, then you’re misleading the good girls that you really want to settle down with, aren’t you?
(1:08:34 pm) THEGUY: i dont know
(1:08:39 pm) ME: the only girls you’ll attract with that schtick are the ones you can’t take home to mama.
(1:08:55 pm) THEGUY: i suppose
(1:09:01 pm) THEGUY: i have no idea
(1:09:14 pm) THEGUY: do you like massages?
(1:09:21 pm) ME: So you’re aimlessly looking for the “right” woman.
(1:09:26 pm) THEGUY: perhaps
(1:09:29 pm) ME: if you don’t know who you are, or what you’re putting out there…
(1:09:38 pm) ME: how can you expect to identify “right” when it comes along?
(1:09:56 pm) ME: you might just be putting her off with all that.
(1:10:00 pm) ME: Obviously…
(1:10:00 pm) THEGUY: i dont know im hoping it’ll just happen by chance
(1:10:04 pm) ME: you’re a man to be admired in some ways…
(1:10:08 pm) ME: with many strengths.
(1:10:24 pm) ME: chance never did shit for nobody.
(1:10:28 pm) ME: you know that as well as I do.
(1:10:32 pm) THEGUY: do you like massages?
(1:11:31 pm) ME: of course.
(1:11:40 pm) THEGUY: i give great massages
(1:11:43 pm) THEGUY: next time i come to *****
(1:11:47 pm) THEGUY: lemme give you a massage
(1:11:53 pm) THEGUY: do you know the ***** condos?
(1:13:00 pm) ME: I used to work near there
(1:13:06 pm) THEGUY: haha
(1:13:11 pm) THEGUY: well that’s where my house is
(1:13:17 pm) THEGUY: i have a house there
(1:13:29 pm) THEGUY: maybe you’ve seen me ;)
(1:13:37 pm) THEGUY: next time i come there why dont you come over
(1:13:40 pm) THEGUY: and i’ll give you a massage ok?
(1:14:12 pm) ME: I will respectfully decline.
(1:14:19 pm) THEGUY: what do you have to lose
(1:14:19 pm) ME: But I appreciate the offer.
(1:14:30 pm) THEGUY: a nice cute jewish guy with a big cock giving you a massage? whats to lose ;)
(1:14:34 pm) THEGUY: heehee j/j
(1:14:36 pm) ME: lol
(1:14:54 pm) THEGUY: youd really enjoy my massage
(1:14:57 pm) THEGUY: full body
(1:15:01 pm) THEGUY: have you ever had your ass massaged?
(1:15:10 pm) ME: You’re not turning me on.
(1:15:23 pm) ME: If you had read my profile, and if you knew women at all…
(1:15:23 pm) THEGUY: have you ever had your ass massaged?
(1:15:31 pm) ME: you’d know that launching into talk of sex right off…
(1:15:41 pm) THEGUY: haha
(1:15:42 pm) ME: is a turn off. Yes, I have.
(1:15:50 pm) THEGUY: do you like have your ass massaged?
(1:16:05 pm) ME: Wouldn’t you like to knopw.
(1:16:11 pm) THEGUY: i would :)
(1:16:20 pm) THEGUY: i would massage down your back
(1:16:22 pm) THEGUY: down to your ass
(1:16:28 pm) THEGUY: and with my elbow
(1:16:35 pm) THEGUY: start massaging your ass cheeks
(1:16:36 pm) ME: I will block you if you don’t stop.
(1:16:41 pm) THEGUY: ?
(1:17:00 pm) ME: I told you, I’m not interested in this. You’re totally off base.
(1:17:12 pm) THEGUY: what feels better
(1:17:19 pm) THEGUY: having your ass massaged or your breasts massaged?
(1:17:22 pm) ME: What part of “I don’t date Jewish guys”, and “You’re too full of yourself” don’t you understand?
(1:17:31 pm) ME: Ok, blocking. Take it easy.
(1:17:34 pm) THEGUY: wait
(1:17:41 pm) THEGUY: i thought we talked about that
(1:17:53 pm) THEGUY: i thought we’re past that
(1:18:37 pm) ME: «blocked>